I think maybe I can write again, and make it sound decent. I just pulled off a -really- cool SF story. Of course, they all die, but it's about the metaphor, right?
I love Science Fiction. Not only can I talk about whatever the hell I want (Post Einsteinian Thermic OverDrive - Ohhhhh....), But I can use anything as a metaphor for anything else (Large Pieces of a star going nova = A hideous betrayal). Quite liberating.
This also makes me think my English Lit teacher may have been on to something when he kept trying to explain how -everything- is a metaphor ("...And the gas station represents hope, note how his car - thats his life - is on empty. The hill he's on represents either lonliness or his life, it's not clear..."). Which I didnt believe until just recently when I began associating Z'Ha'Dum with my failed significant relationship.
*sigh* Where am I going with this?

I've just re-read almost all my writing from the last few years. Some of it still impresses me. But the most striking thing about it is my interpersonal relationships. I mean, yeah, I'm still friends with some of those people, but others, namely "John"...god. I'm not sure I can be near him and not have the incredible urge to bring death.
I suppose I should explain how One of My Favorite People became The Subject to be Destroyed.
Short version: J-, better known as "Alison" and I were engaged. "John" and "Tammi" had been a thing of the past for awhile.
You see where this is going?
Due to my....failings, "Alison" and "John" ended up fucking. This led to a re-examination of of my relationship.
For the next six months or so we attempted to do something -anything- to save it. We failed.
One month and 15 days after she moved out I was informed they were dating.
I suppose I can't complain too loudly, as I have side projects myself. But really, I do get to bitch don't I? I'm nowhere near contemplating a serious relationship. Well, unless you count "Alison", but thats not going to happen is it?
I think this bothers me mostly because I entertained the idea that we would be together again. Now, I think that to be a terribly naive idea. And theres the matter of being replaced so quickly. That just hurts.

Hair and Lipstick and Black was a real person. But when I was writing I couldnt come up with a name for her. So a friend of mine had walked up and she was looking Hair and Lipstick and Black. It suddenly struck me that that was a perfectly good name.
The person who gave me that name with her presence is still a friend.
"Christine" is engaged.
"Tammi" and "Katelin" both moved back home to Minnesota.
"Moira" and I don't speak anymore. Sad really, I really liked her. She's leaving soon. Going north. "Jen" is married - two kids.
Me? *sigh* I think I'm back where I was years ago.

I have learned a few things in the aftermath though:

When your girlfriend wanders around the house naked, she wants sex.
Hockey is wasted on the unintrested.
Listen. Don't look for subtext.
Drawing still sucks.
That moment when your head hits the pillow and your significant other's smell fills your nostrils is -priceless-.
Girls who dont game will never understand the gamer mindset.
Betrayal is bad. Betrayal sucks worse when it's the two people who would never betray you.
Trying to save something thats dead is pointless.
Letting people flirt might be bad.
Tall women are all kinds of cool.
Dropping a bid at happiness for a hazy dream is stupid.
Anything that causes you to stop doing something you like for the 'greater good' is stupid. Not as stupid as the one above though.
Religion has it's place.
No matter how many Sapphire and Tonics you drink, Darren will never appear.
Carrying a box when you go dancing isn't compatable with drinking and people you hate.
Making mix CDs is theraputic.
Real friends are treasures beyond price. True friends are priceless.

Intresting. I think. Maybe these were basic life lessons I missed. Or maybe they are things most people shouldn't have to deal with. I don't know.
We grow up, get married, social groups splinter and cleave and reform like icebergs, people disappear, we meet new people. It's all things I understood and accepted, but while I was with J- I was safe. I would always have J. We were going to have children, grow old together.
Now, that's the past, and I find myself feeling slightly afraid of having to start over, and just a little bit alone.
But it is nice to know that the world exists.
I think I'm going to be all right.

03/27/01